LGBT Chinese Australians face stigma and disbelief as they search for family acceptance - ABC News

Wei Zhang describes himself as a true romantic.

The Melbourne resident dreams of a long-lasting marriage, just like the one his parents have.

"I am a romantic person. So I prefer to propose to my loved one in Paris or New York, [but] that will have to wait until the pandemic is over," he said.

"I'm looking forward to a wonderful wedding to get my parents' blessings."

But when Wei came out as gay to his Chinese mum and dad two years ago, he was worried he had lost their support.

Like many young Chinese men and women, Wei Zhang wants his parents' blessing before marrying his partner.(Supplied)

"I never doubted my parents' love for me. [But] I think this might take time for them to accept," Wei said.

Wei had been exploring his sexuality since moving to Australia as an international student, and soon after decided to call his parents to tell them he was gay.

Though Wei's dad, Cai Zhang, accepted his son's sexuality "straight way", his mum Wei Wu struggled to believe it.

"He said to me: 'Mum, the secret has burdened me for so long. I can no longer keep it inside of me. I need to tell you the truth,'" Ms Wu said.

Ms Wu said she was once very close to her son, but he started avoiding heart-to-heart talks with her from junior high school.

Wei Zhang knew it would take some time for his parents to accept his sexuality.(Supplied)

"I felt at the time that there was a mountain separating us … I felt he was pushing me away further and further and I struggled to understand him," she said.

She said she felt that deep in her heart, she couldn't accept her son was gay.

But at the same time, she didn't want to lose Wei.

"The first thing that came to my mind was to blame myself for Wei's confession. I was soul searching to see if anything I did to bring him up was at fault," Ms Wu said.

She also booked several medical appointments with top Chinese sexual health experts.

"I was convinced that my son was sick, but when experts all told me that Wei was healthy and normal, I hated them all at the time, thinking they were fake doctors that lied to me."

'It takes parents time to accept who their children are'

Wei Wu is very close with her only son Wei Zhang, but was shocked after he told her he was gay.(Supplied)

Wei and his mother decided to give each other some space — a two-year "cooling-off period" to think things through.

This allowed Ms Wu the time she needed to fully accept her son for who he was.

She is now an active volunteer for an LGBT parents support group in China.

"It takes time for children to realise their true sexual orientation, so it also takes parents time to accept who their children are," Ms Wu said.

"It is unrealistic to ask parents to accept it quickly."

Wei Wu is now an active member of an LGBT support group for parents in China.

Wei Wu said she and her husband now have a wonderful relationship with their son.

"We are a rainbow family; we truly accept and understand each other and have a happy and exciting life," she said.

Wei's father is glad his son has found love and happiness with his partner in Australia.

"I give them my complete blessing," he said.

Coming out carries extra weight for Chinese families

Cedric Cheng's religious parents refused to attend his wedding, but they now want to give him their blessing.(Supplied)

Unlike Wei, Hong Kong migrant Cedric Cheng did not get his parents' blessing at his wedding more than a year ago.

Cedric is from a religious family, and chose to come out to his mother in person.

"I vividly remember what my mum said to me at the time. She said she regretted she didn't insist on asking me to go to church and pray," Cedric said.

"She thought it was God's punishment for the family."

Cedric's parents refused to attend the wedding ceremony, held the day before the Sydney Gay and Lesbian Mardi Gras Parade in March last year.

"In a way, my partner and I are very traditional kinds of people," he said.

"It is very disappointing, to be honest. Parents from neither side were present at our wedding."

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For many Chinese families, coming out is not just telling your friends and family you are LGBT, but it is also a process of gaining acceptance from your family.

Marriages without both families' blessings are said to be strained, tense and unhappy, and can lead to friction between generations.

But these days, Cedric and his husband have a harmonious relationship with both sets of parents, and they want to organise a new ceremony to get their parents' blessing.

They are also considering having a child, and both grandmothers-to-be have offered to help care for their future grandchild.

Australia gives some LGBT Chinese a chance to live openly

In China, being LGBT can carry a number of risks and social pressures from families.

While some parents have embraced their child's sexuality, some still feel the need to conceal it.(Reuters: Mansi Thapliyal)

Dr Pan Wang, a senior lecturer in Chinese and Asian Studies from the University of New South Wales, said some people may even choose to hide their sexuality as a way to find acceptance.

"Many of them decided to enter into a fake marriage, known as 'co-operative marriages' — such as a gay man [deciding to marry] a lesbian — as a way to be accepted by their parents, relatives and friends," Dr Wang said.

"I also see heterosexual women end up marrying gay men due to these types of concealment and lies, which resulted in even more complicated social issues and ugly divorces."

Dr Wang said some people "give up everything" just to be accepted by their family and friends.

For Garrison, who arrived in Australia as an international student from Yunnan province in China, acceptance meant hiding being gay from his family.

Garrison asked to remain anonymous as he fears his parents discovering his sexuality.(Supplied)

"The reason I picked Australia to study was to have a chance to marry someone I love and have legal recognition. That can't be done in China," he said.

Garrison came out to his friends in Australia, but decided not to tell his parents back in China.

"I came from a small township. And I don't want to burden my parents with unnecessary worries and social pressure from relatives and family. They may not get enough support locally," he said.

"Coming out should be a personal choice. It depends on the type of family you have and different circumstances.

"I'll take my needs into account first and foremost, not the needs of my parents."

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2020-10-24 19:17:00Z
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